Dear Kim Kardashian,

Jack Jack is probably my favorite mouse in the history of mice. Sure, everyone is typically aboard the Gus Gus train but, while our portly rodent was entertaining, his lust for just one more slice of cheese almost ended the journey of animated life for others in the mission. Jack Jack not only knew how to excel at being a house mouse ninja, he also was a great big softie for ol’ Cinderella. I mean, the mouse helped with her dress. If that doesn’t show true mouse love, I don’t know what does.

Cinderella was a gem, though. Here’s a person that was mistreated by her own step-mother and step-sisters every day of her life. She mopped, swept, cooked and did everything else. Instead of learning Kung Fu, during the night, so she could one day jump kick the three of them, she spent this time singing and being likeable, even if it was only to mice. Then the Prince’s Ball happens, Cinderella wears a blazing hot get-up, rides in a freakin’ pumpkin, charms the Prince, triggers his stalker mode when she leaves him wanting more, and ends up marrying the guy at the end. It’s telling of how likeable she is when, while being scooted out of the house to start her fanciful new life, she doesn’t once turn around and flip the bird. Her one specific set of phalanges, not the ones she sings duets with.

What does this have to do with you and will I stop gushing over an animated Princess, is probably what you’re thinking right about now. Well, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re pushy, a bit whiny and seem like a chore to be around.

Do you remember life when you were cleaning Paris Hilton’s closet? Yeah. I watched that Youtube clip. I won’t even go on to talk about that individual but, needless to say, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that she was probably not easy to deal with either. Then someone’s ball happened, you met Ray J, actions and situations were taped, you triggered the exhibitionist side of ol’ Ray after you snuggled, one or two people saw your educational film and now you’re a bigger star than your old wicked step-mothe…employer. With that stardom, you grew into exactly what you probably resented: That intolerable, insufferable banshee that owns too many shoes.

Then there’s that champagne pouring picture of yours. Bold, Kim. Bold. This was pretty much you giving the middle butt crack to everyone on the internet and, I would imagine, did nothing to help your case.

We can’t all be like Cinderella. Gentle, humble and incorruptible; she was truly a rarity. From lugging buckets of muck to balancing a tiara on her head, she transitioned gracefully and still has plenty of fans.

Lets not forget that a handycam made the rise to stardom possible, okay? Keep it humble, Kim.

Regards,

Adriel